Be afraid Lori, be very afraid………
–
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Phillips,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Phillips, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’
theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.
If you actually did all of those things, you would be a legend! But I feel like a nice guy like you would never be banned from a Target! haha
But I get bored and start thinking up things to do. True story. Before the obvious, me and a buddy of mine worked for the same company. When we went to meetings we would play spy at the airport while waiting for our flights. Hiding behind poles and counters etc. Alcohol was usually involved.
Hahah that’s awesome. At least you know how to have fun while trapped into doing something boring! I’d love to see what you would do in lines at a theme park!
Hahaha! Poor Lori! She’s married to a juvenile delinquent.
The upside is, I am the same guy she married
Love it! There is a reason my daughter refuses to tale me to the store with her anymore….lol… thanks for some great new ideas,,very creative 🙂
I’m currently working on that with Lori
Hi,
That is brilliant. 😀
finding good ones is tough and we love it when we do.
Oh goodness did I ever laugh… thanks! 😉
you’re welcome
I have been known to squeeze the bread to check it for freshness at the supermarket.
I have also been known to ask for proper seasonings and cooking methods for various body parts at the meat counter.
I’m going to start calling you el Doppleganger.
“So alike, only their parole officers can tell them apart.”
Ssshhhhhhhhh!!!!
Funny as hell!!!!!
I’m going to try a few. Kind of imitating art so to speak
Hope u will tell how it go`s?
Absolutely, if the police allow me a comuter
O yes, the police. Always have to spoil the fun.
May I adopt some of these shenanigans?
Take pictures lol
Haha, I hope this all actually happened!
Some has. Some are in reserve. Lol
Too funny! That sounds like me when I get bored though not that extreme. I guess it depends on how bored I am.
Bored can be very creative