Tag: humor

Friday Funny – From The Email Bag

Got a chuckle from this one.  Thanks Barry.

A nice story – the elderly are beautiful.

 When we get older we think differently, don’t we? This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An elderly woman received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

 

Dear Kean Elementary:

 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family have passed away.. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that  someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

 

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

 

Thank you for that opportunity.

 

Sincerely,

 

Agnes

 

A Lovely Saturday Afternoon

20131026-151448.jpg

Here I sit watching Lori try on dresses. This is the single worse thing about Christmas, the dreaded Christmas party (or holiday party for those who like calling things other than what they are). So, how are you spending your Saturday??

Helpful Signs – An Educational Series

I wonder why this sign doesn’t mention pulling the fire alarm.  Most disturbing.  Still, I guess yelling is a pretty good option.  A helpful tip, use your diaphragm.

Help
Help

Helpful Signs – An Educational Series

This one is definitely important.  Don’t need the livestock escaping.  It appears that whoever built this gate did not spend as much time on the fence.  Seems to have outlasted it by a stretch.  From the look of the well-worn path, people still use it religiously.

A Very Well Built Gate
A Very Well Built Gate

Helpful Signs – An Educational Series

I’m thinking this one is has to be in Philadelphia, likely at the towing compound.  Probably quite a few heads exploding as they mulled over the twist and turns of logic in its inherent evilness.  I classify it as helpful, but only to the chosen few that can decipher the zen meaning behind it.

The Parking Authorities Biggest Earner
The Parking Authorities Biggest Earner

 

Some Logic For Sunday

In case you were wondering.

 

Railways Gauge
Railways Gauge (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

 

Why was that gauge used?

 

Because that’s the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

 

Why did the English build them like that?

 

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

 

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

English: Spoked wheel of chariot at Airavatesw...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?


Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels..

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

Roman Forum
Roman Forum (Photo credit: MarcelGermain)

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder,

‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’, you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature
Of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two
Thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!


Now you know, Horses’ Asses control almost everything…….Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn’t it?

 

Some Thursday Humour

Australia pinnacle
Australia pinnacle (Photo credit: Kenny Teo (zoompict))

Apparently, these were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)  True or not, I wish I’d said a few of them.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
… Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
 Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Pirate Safety Tips

English: Flag of pirate Edward England Polski:...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Kind of bizarre having a safety tip from a pirate on the dangers of smoking, but it all makes sense now.  Here is a 4th video posted by my buddy Barnacle Bill.

Friday Funnies – From The Email Bag

As we progress into the first part of 2013, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an

e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by email that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY!


 

Friday Funnies – From The Emailbag

This one dropped onto my work email today

 

White-tailed deer in Toronto, Canada
White-tailed deer in Toronto, Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Lesson from an Educated Farmer

 

WHY WE SHOOT DEER

 

Why we shoot deer in the wild.

 

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

 

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.

 

I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

 

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up – 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

 

The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.

 

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

 

That deer EXPLODED.

 

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– No Chance.

 

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as
many other animals.

 

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

 

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

 

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set before-hand….kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

 

Did you know that deer bite?

 

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when …… I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

 

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head–almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

 

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

 

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

 

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

 

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp … I learned a long time ago that, when an animal – like a horse – strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

 

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

 

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

 

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down..

 

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

 

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope……to sort of even the odds!!

 

All these events are true so help me God…

 

An Educated Farmer