Tag: humor

Justice is Funny

Phoenix Wright issues an objection at the witn...
Phoenix Wright issues an objection at the witness during a court case; the “Objection!” speech balloon has become an iconic element of the series (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Friday Funny – Being 80

Will I live to see 80?

Here’s something to think about.

 I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned sixty-five).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

‘I said, ‘Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is
very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?’

‘No,’ I said…

He looked at me and said,.. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?

Friday Funnies – You’ll Laugh, I Didn’t

I had quite the afternoon yesterday. I had an appointment at the dentist for my favourite thing, a root canal. At the 2:20 mark of a 2 and a half hour appointment, the dentist stops, gets up and walks out, muttering that he will have to close up the work and refer me to a specialist. A bit perturbed, I was wondering the H E double hockey sticks had just happened. Was I going to die, did he hit my brain with those pokey looking needles. Nope, none of the above. He was just about finished when suddenly the tip broke off the file while in my root canal. This could not be good. Apparently, it happens on occasion, but he can’t remove it himself, so off to a specialist I go, thankfully on his nickel.

Getting a Root Canal!
Not me getting a Root Canal! (Photo credit: TheCX)

So, he closes up, puts in a temporary filling and off I go. I get to my car and hop in. Start her up and back out and…whoaaaa…. a completely flat tire. Being the type of guy I am, I started laughing. This only happens in the movies.

I was only a 100 feet from an air pump at a filling station, so filled it up, headed to a tire shop a block away, had it fixed in 30 minutes and was on my way. Tons of fun.

So, how was your day?

The Dentist Song

The Best Part Of Monday Was…..This

Be afraid Lori, be very afraid………

–

mission impossible
mission impossible (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

RETIRED HUSBAND
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.   Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
 
Dear Mrs. Phillips,
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Phillips, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
 
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
 
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
 
 
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
 
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
 
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
 
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
 
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’
theme.
 
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different sizes of funnels.
 
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
 
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
 
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
 
And last, but not least:
 
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

 

Best Comeback Line Ever

Adult Content Warning

Drunk Pumpkin
Drunk Pumpkin (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’ he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
‘I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin??’

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: ‘A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’

 

Looks Can be Deceiving!

This blog deserves a look see my friends. It is flipping hilarious.

Answering Spam

SPAM! [don't buy]

Normally do this on Friday, but, I had nothing.  The a beauty hit my mail box and I just had to answer.   Here is the spam message, without the link of course.

This is a comment to the webmaster. I came to your “It’s A Birthday Day For The Hobbler Is It Possible To See It All” page via Google but it was hard to find as you were not on the first page of search results. I see you could have more traffic because there are not many comments on your site yet. I have found a website which offers to dramatically increase your rankings and traffic to your site:(link) I managed to get close to 1000 visitors/day using their services, you could also get lot more targeted visitors from search engines than you have now. Their free trial and brought significantly more traffic to my site. Hope this helps :) Take care.

My answer.

Dear Shauer794@gma…..

First allow me to compliment on your stylish use of emoticons.  It makes me feel that you are indeed a true budding friend that sincerely worries about my Google ranking.  I know it is tough to find me on Google and I can think of a few reasons.  First, you would have to be specifically looking for my blog and second, why the heck would you be looking for Hobblers birthday day posts?  What in God’s name were you googling.  Just curious. At any rate, I feel that it is only fair that I warn you that I have passed on your e-mail to Hobbler.  She is one tough lady and I am sure she is going to want to discuss (at length and for hours, if not days) the reasons why this post is not on the first page of Google search results.

My sympathies,

John

 

Related articles

Friday Funnies – From The Emailbag

A box of Cheerios breakfast cereal.
A box of Cheerios breakfast cereal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A good one that made the rounds last week.  Right in line (sort of) with the cute kid videos I have seen this week.  Check them out on these two great blogs.

Oh My Gawd, Just Do What I Say

Running Naked With Scissors

–

Now on with the Humor

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year
old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started swearing.” The 4
year old nods his head in approval.
>
> The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say
something with hell in it and you say something with ass.”
>
> The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants
for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping
his rear with every step..
>
> His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you
out!”
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern
voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
>
> “I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be
Cheerios.

Related articles

Evil Birthday Clown Will Stalk and Attack Your Child for a Fee | Oddity Central – Collecting Oddities

The cover of Kupperberg's Evil Clown Comics #4.
The cover of Kupperberg’s Evil Clown Comics #4. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ran across this one on Huffington.  Categorize as Entrepreneurial genius, and a great way to get even with the little #4^^55$$@@#’s.

Evil Birthday Clown Will Stalk and Attack Your Child for a Fee | Oddity Central – Collecting Oddities.

Friday Funnies – Answering Spam

SPAM! [don't buy]

I didn’t get a chance to post this last night, so I will start with an apology to the calendar watchers out there.

This piece of spam is priceless in its circuitousness.  (I always wanted to use that word).  It came from cialis price 100mg and reads

When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get several e-mails with the same comment related with “cialis price 100mg”. Is there any way you can remove people from that service? Appreciate it!

My answer to Mr Cialis

Thanks for the warning.  I will be attacking this problem hard on.  I believe there may be an issue in the erection of the comment stream.  I am not quite up yet on the ins and outs of your position, but will take preventative measures to make sure that you do not have to come again so soon.  In the meantime, please be careful on how you insert your x into the box.  Some extra protection may be necessary.

Please come again.

Related articles